Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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