i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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