Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
