She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize