im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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