I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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