I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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