So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize