hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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