I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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