I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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