Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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