My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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