You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
