Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
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96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
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soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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