There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
