I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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