tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
