so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
