At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
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