Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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