those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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