guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
