I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
