i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
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She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
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He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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