No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Randomize
