I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
