my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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