I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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