You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
