Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
