There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
It was confusing and full of hummus
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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