we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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