He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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