i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize
