we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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