I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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