We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Randomize
