does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
