Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
