***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
