I want to have your abortion
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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