Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
