shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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