Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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