Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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