at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
There r osticjed everywhere
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
