My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
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My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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