end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
No subtext here. People are naked.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Randomize
