Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
