Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
from now on my penis is your penis
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
We are two peas in an std pod
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
