I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
