Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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