I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
