pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
