My sheets look like a crime scene.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
