3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Randomize