that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
