I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
