I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
MIDGETS
????
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
