im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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