I wish I could teleport
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
