The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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