If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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